beauty parlor introspection

It turns out I'm not so much who I thought I was.

Laid back; Confident; Embracer of the moment, however awkward it may be...these were definitely my opinions not too long ago.

As it turns out, compared to Brazilians, I'm a bit uptight.

I find that when there is noone to turn to and say "I mean does that make sense to you?!" I'm prone to be what can only be described as a follower. I've tried hard not to be a follower for as long as I can remember.

I shrink from more opportunities than I embrace these days. The thing is, there are so many things I HAVE to do ie: go to work and all that entails, grocery shop, pay bills, find the yarn store by bus...that when it comes to an option like eating dinner with a stranger at the food court or getting my hair cut, I put it off until tomorrow.

I've needed a haircut for about two months. It's in that mangy growing out phase and...ugh. There is a cabeleireira (hair salon) down the street from me. I've mentally prepared and chickened out...for two months. Seriously?

So a few days ago while reading Psalm 78 a graceful summary of the Israelies screw up...God forgives cycle, I was struck by verses like

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord, yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago" and
"time after time...He remembered that they were but flesh, a passing breeze that does not return"

Over and over I was reminded how often "He guided" ... "He led" ... "He gave". The same Almighty God who used the Red Sea as a short cut is the same Almighty God who sent me here. I mean he made dinner fall from the heavens, He can certainly get me through one more errand in portuguese.

So today I got my hair cut. Ayliana was super patient with my pantomiming and attempted explanation that I'm trying to grow my hair out and yadda yadda yadda. Now, I realize that for almost everyone else on the planet a hair cut is just that. A hair cut. Why the stress? Well, back to the "Sara I'm discovering"...

I'm much more affected by people's response to and treatment of me than I was in my previous life. I take many things more personally than I know I should. Simply because I'm trying so hard. Trying to speak their language, trying to understand what they mean, trying to be their friend, trying to find their needs and minister to them-and you just can't do all that. Which is exactly what I'm struggling with I can't do all that. Well thats the pretty part of hard times, its when I see (again, for the 100th time) that God can do all that and much, much more.

So while I'm watching Ayliana do exactly what I meant (but surely did not explain correctly) I had a come to Jesus meeting with, well, Jesus...

This is hard. It takes a lot of effort to do a really small thing and I'm not doing it very well. But that's OK-I know and have seen His power. I know that He can open the hearts of the Brazilians to make Himself known. I know that He can turn my stress into something of use for the Kingdom. And He knows that I'm only flesh and therefore, not all that dependable. He knows flailing is what I do best. And He knows my breaking point...and those are the times I end up with a successful trip to the cabeleireira.

Turns out I'm not fearless or laid back or über confident or really all that great at communicating the gospel...its a pain to learn, but I don't have to be. God will handle it. He is much more self-aware than I am, and when He says He's the all powerful, all knowing caretaker. He's right.