beauty parlor introspection

It turns out I'm not so much who I thought I was.

Laid back; Confident; Embracer of the moment, however awkward it may be...these were definitely my opinions not too long ago.

As it turns out, compared to Brazilians, I'm a bit uptight.

I find that when there is noone to turn to and say "I mean does that make sense to you?!" I'm prone to be what can only be described as a follower. I've tried hard not to be a follower for as long as I can remember.

I shrink from more opportunities than I embrace these days. The thing is, there are so many things I HAVE to do ie: go to work and all that entails, grocery shop, pay bills, find the yarn store by bus...that when it comes to an option like eating dinner with a stranger at the food court or getting my hair cut, I put it off until tomorrow.

I've needed a haircut for about two months. It's in that mangy growing out phase and...ugh. There is a cabeleireira (hair salon) down the street from me. I've mentally prepared and chickened out...for two months. Seriously?

So a few days ago while reading Psalm 78 a graceful summary of the Israelies screw up...God forgives cycle, I was struck by verses like

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord, yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago" and
"time after time...He remembered that they were but flesh, a passing breeze that does not return"

Over and over I was reminded how often "He guided" ... "He led" ... "He gave". The same Almighty God who used the Red Sea as a short cut is the same Almighty God who sent me here. I mean he made dinner fall from the heavens, He can certainly get me through one more errand in portuguese.

So today I got my hair cut. Ayliana was super patient with my pantomiming and attempted explanation that I'm trying to grow my hair out and yadda yadda yadda. Now, I realize that for almost everyone else on the planet a hair cut is just that. A hair cut. Why the stress? Well, back to the "Sara I'm discovering"...

I'm much more affected by people's response to and treatment of me than I was in my previous life. I take many things more personally than I know I should. Simply because I'm trying so hard. Trying to speak their language, trying to understand what they mean, trying to be their friend, trying to find their needs and minister to them-and you just can't do all that. Which is exactly what I'm struggling with I can't do all that. Well thats the pretty part of hard times, its when I see (again, for the 100th time) that God can do all that and much, much more.

So while I'm watching Ayliana do exactly what I meant (but surely did not explain correctly) I had a come to Jesus meeting with, well, Jesus...

This is hard. It takes a lot of effort to do a really small thing and I'm not doing it very well. But that's OK-I know and have seen His power. I know that He can open the hearts of the Brazilians to make Himself known. I know that He can turn my stress into something of use for the Kingdom. And He knows that I'm only flesh and therefore, not all that dependable. He knows flailing is what I do best. And He knows my breaking point...and those are the times I end up with a successful trip to the cabeleireira.

Turns out I'm not fearless or laid back or über confident or really all that great at communicating the gospel...its a pain to learn, but I don't have to be. God will handle it. He is much more self-aware than I am, and when He says He's the all powerful, all knowing caretaker. He's right.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

i thought people in the US had potential to be obsessed with sports (i mean i am from tennessee)...but brasil...takes it to a whole new level during the world cup. a whole new level. note this house in frei damião that is normally a very subtle yellow...



on tuesday when brasil played (and beat) north korea, i'm pretty sure everyone in this city did a victory dance...in the street...all day long. even i got into the spirit, wearing all green and yellow and ridiculously tacky brasil themed ear rings! i mean, why not? it's fun to dress in theme, and i like to be excited about things! reality, sunk in, though when i checked in on this kindergarten class i like to hang out with (mostly because they all call me "tia" and i feel popular). they were totally decked out...painted faces, waving the brasil flags they had just made...i mean this commitment to futebol is virtually from the womb!



i love it because i've never been THIS into anything...not saved by the bell...not ZTA...probably, no definitely not anything relating to the goodness of the Lord. i have so much more reason to be over the top, people stop and stare kind of passionate about what the Lord has done in my life, about who He is; than anyone could have for a group of sweaty guys they've never met! because my mind is always in a million places, the Lord points out the obvious for me in random situations-it's how we keep it real, me and God! my prayer lately is to latch onto "viva brasil! world up '10" kind of passion in my every moment with the Lord.

dictionary.com

The verb esperar in português means "to wait" and also, "to hope". So i can espero for my ride to the movies OR i can espero that my ride remembers they promised to pick me up. Many concepts in the blessed language of português have a confusing quality to them, so ya get used to it after awhile.

Then while I actually was waiting for my ride to arrive one day, I decided it makes sense for the two words to be the same. They can be the same. They are the same.

Right? To wait and to hope are the same thing, aren't they? Hebrews says that faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. in which case, we have assurance that what we're hoping for is going to come to fruition. We're waiting to see it. Waiting for God reveal himself.

I like português.

SO much to take in!

As time here is wrapping up, I'm overwhelmed with all that I have learned! I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to be taught such valuable lessons by some of the wisest and most experienced leaders in their fields. I am especially thankful for the week we focused on safety overseas. As the reality of moving alone to a third world country inches closer, I have at times allowed anxiety to take root in my heart and mind. I am so encouraged by the consistent reminder that God has called me not to a place or even to a people, but to himself. Whatever is in store over the next two years and beyond that, I will never be out of His view, and certainly never out of his grasp. Those who delivered these valuable lessons, were a blessing, and are very much appreciated!

Something else the Lord has shown me is just how quick I am to forget that intimacy with Him is actually what I'm striving for. I get tunnel vision about what spiritual disciplines I must focus on in order to improve, or strip sin away from myself. While those tangible tasks of the faith are certainly necessary if I'm going to walk with the Lord, they are not actually the goal. As usual I was slapped around and then picked right back up by a passage just this week. In Hosea, chapter 2, the Lord talks about Israel as if they are the adulteress wife. He so beautifully illustrates his undying love for his people, for me; as he talks of alluring her back to himself with tender words and promises of redemption and restoration. I believe I am most moved by verses 17 and 19 "I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion". He is an Almighty God, he doesn't have to wait around for her to prioritize her day or remember to set aside time to fast and pray and work futilely to avoid sin. He chases her and removes the desire she has for sin, because what he desires is not her empty actions, but her commitment and affection; he desires her heart.

What a beautiful God we serve! He is the only one who sees the deepest recesses of our adulteress hearts, and he loves us. He not only awaits our return, he often arranges it.